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Another one for you old guys/gals.

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Barrelbulge(Fl), May 23, 2013.

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  1. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2007
    Messages:
    11,683
    Location:
    West Central Florida
    My Friends
    As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!


    1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
    2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
    3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
    4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

    And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me.

    God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


    Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


    2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.


    3 I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.


    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    6. If all is not lost, where is it?


    7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.


    8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.


    9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.


    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


    13. The only time the world beats a path to your door (or calls you on the phone) is when you're in
    the bathroom.


    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.


    15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?


    16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.


    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get
    something, and then wonder what I'm here after.


    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    20 DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........?
     
  2. CharlieAMA

    CharlieAMA TS Supporters TS Supporters

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    12,612
    Location:
    God's Country
    LOL- That's good Mike.
     
  3. Ahab

    Ahab Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,651
    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

    The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

    The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high And you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

    So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

    As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

    He said, "I want 5 loaves."

    She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

    He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
     
  4. BryanF

    BryanF Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    205
    Ahab,good one!

    Bryan
     
  5. Brian in Oregon

    Brian in Oregon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    25,254
    Location:
    Deplorable Bitter Clinger in Liberal La La Land
    Lord, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage, to change the things I can, and Wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
     
  6. WS-1

    WS-1 Banned User Banned

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2009
    Messages:
    3,885
    1957-Stopped smoking

    1962-Stopped drinking

    1967-Stopped chasing women

    1971-Stopped eating fatty foods

    1974-Died anyway
     
  7. Franktri

    Franktri Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2009
    Messages:
    245
    Just ordered 5 loaves of Rye!!
     
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