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Americans with no abilities Act. Satire.

Discussion in 'Politics, Elections & Legislation' started by Barrelbulge(Fl), Dec 21, 2012.

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  1. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    The Americans With No Abilities Act:

    President Barack Obama and the Democrat-controlled Senate are
    considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.


    The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative
    goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or
    ambition.



    "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
    necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
    California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow
    People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over.
    With this legislation,employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."



    In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate
    Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons With no ability.



    Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against
    the inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68
    percent), and home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent).


    At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).



    Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level
    positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real
    responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and
    performance.


    Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to
    guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
    legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote
    a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management
    positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses
    that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.



    Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures
    to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning,
    for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any
    skills or experience that relate to this job?"


    "As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who
    have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as
    a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to
    remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good
    for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of this
    bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a
    light at the end of the tunnel.

    Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the
    same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every
    American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each
    and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some
    sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing
    so."
     
  2. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

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    I have no abilities at all can I help paint your house Bulge?
     
  3. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

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  4. John Galt

    John Galt TS Member

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    Eugene is really going to like this legislation!
     
  5. chuckie68

    chuckie68 Active Member

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    Hey Bulge,

    This sounds exactly like the "Mission Statement" of Congress.

    Chuckie
     
  6. EuroJoe

    EuroJoe TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    Please, Bulge, don't give'm any ideas!
     
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