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A little humor to start the week.

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Barrelbulge(Fl), Aug 29, 2011.

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  1. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2007
    Messages:
    11,683
    Location:
    West Central Florida
    An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the
    patio with her husband and she says, "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
    Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
    She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
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    The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: You don't want to try these techniques at home.

    "Why not"? asked somebody from the audience.

    "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day, I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once'"?

    "Did it save time"? the guy in the audience asked.

    "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in seven."
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    My wife has not spoken to me in three days.

    I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

    She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

    "What's the matter"? I asked.

    "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

    "That'll teach them!" I replied.
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  2. BigBadBob

    BigBadBob TS Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2011
    Messages:
    861
    Here's another one.
    A man and his wife had been married a couple of years and the wife asked the husband if she could get a boob job. He asked her how much it would cost. She replied, " About $20,000. " He said "$20,000! Why don't you go rub some toilet paper betweem them?" She looked confused and said," Toilet paper, what's that going to do?"
    The husband replied, " You've been rubbing it between your butt cheeks for 30 years and I'm sure you see how big they've gotten."

    Some guys just can't learn.
     
  3. pdq

    pdq Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    934
    A very dapper man in his 70's becomes friends with a very attractive girl 40 years younger. After a few dates he asks her out to an early dinner and a movie. As they are walking to the restaurant the man stops at the store front for Tiffany's and asks the gal if she minds if they stop in there for a moment, and she says it's ok.

    So, in they go, and a clerk comes over to help. The man says "I've recently become very fond of this young lady, and I'd like to buy her a diamond bracelet". The girl is in shock. The clerk pulls up a tray of bracelets and says that these are very popular ones, pointing to ones at $5,000 and $6,000. The woman now is wide-eyed.

    The man says 'no, these are ok, but I was thinking about something really nice, much better than these - do you have anything?". The clerk says yes, brings up another tray. These are spectacular, many more stones and larger ones. The girl is having a hard time breathing when she sees them, and hears they are all roughly $20,000.

    The man says 'this is a step in the right direction, but I was thinking of something REALLY nice -- don't you have anything better?

    The clerk says yes, but they are in the safe in the back room. When he returns, he has 3 bracelets, each incredible, but in the $50k - $75k range. The man says 'now this is what I had in mind -- honey, what do you think?" as he holds one up priced at $65,000. The girl nods, about to pass out.

    The man says ok -- I'll take it. Now I realize it's Saturday evening and all the banks are closed, so let me give you a check. You go to the bank on Monday morning, and after you've cashed it, give me a call and I'll come over and pick it up".

    Monday morning the clerk calls the man and says "There seems to be a problem -- the bank said you closed that account years ago and there's no money there".

    The man says "I know, I know -- but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!!!"

    Pete
     
  4. Hal1225

    Hal1225 Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2009
    Messages:
    442
    BBB that was good still laughing.

    Harry
     
  5. XP100

    XP100 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    1,723
    Fred and Earl are out on the lake doing a little fishing and having a beer. Fred says I think I am going to divorce my wife. She has not spoke to me for 3 days. After a couple big sips of beer Earl says, You better think about it, women like that are hard to find.
     
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