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A little humor __ Am I that old

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Barrelbulge(Fl), Feb 11, 2010.

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  1. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) Banned User Banned TS Supporters

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2007
    Messages:
    11,666
    Location:
    West Central Florida
    HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.. WELL . .. . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

    MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

    I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

    COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

    UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

    AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..

    'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

    WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

    HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

    YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

    HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

    THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED,
    DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,


    'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
     
  2. Jerbear

    Jerbear TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,588
    Bathroom Etiquette

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Bathroom Etiquette

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try
    to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.
    For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
    for taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING:

    When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is
    not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
    where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
    the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
    the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY:

    This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
    and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
    leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
    FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
    going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE:

    This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
    forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
    wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
    acknowledge it.
    Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter
    in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
    escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
    laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK:

    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
    This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
    should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
    left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
    occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH:

    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
    This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
    bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
    SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME:

    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
    just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
    someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
    pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk
    can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

    This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
    will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with
    a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
    the office for the out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
    bathroom.

    POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):

    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
    goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
    whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS:

    A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
    where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
    predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
    pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR:

    This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
    tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
    vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If
    this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
    This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH:

    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
    you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
    cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
    Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an
    ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE:

    An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
    Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
    that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
    bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON:

    A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
    the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you
    feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET:

    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
    toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
    Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TODD:

    An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
    This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
    mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to
    relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when
    the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
    attendees.

    Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORK-POOP is an inevitable part of
    life.

    Hahahahaha............

    Jerbear
     
  3. Steve Fischer

    Steve Fischer Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2008
    Messages:
    517
    Location:
    Port St. Lucie, Florida
    hahahahhhaaaheeeheeehheehehheehheee!!!!! I love it!
     
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