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A day in the life of the HAMMER

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by trench12, Mar 25, 2010.

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  1. trench12

    trench12 TS Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Colonoscopy Journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
    appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
    colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
    point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
    reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
    because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
    for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to
    hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
    suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
    America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
    accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
    all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
    powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
    lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is
    about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
    about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like
    a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
    sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
    movement may result.'

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
    experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
    but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
    MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you
    wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
    confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
    And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
    another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
    bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have
    not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
    Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
    occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if
    I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
    that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
    and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led
    me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
    little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
    hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
    put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
    Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
    already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
    their MoviPrep.
    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
    pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to
    the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
    would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
    where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
    see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
    somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
    hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
    'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
    could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had
    to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
    for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because
    I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
    yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
    moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
    I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
    that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder
    of an internal organ.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies....
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
    humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
    made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their

    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

    And the best one of all:
    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
  2. addictedtotrap

    addictedtotrap Member

    Mar 16, 2010
    Elkhart , IN
    Oh My Lord!!! I havnt quit laughing... That is funny...
  3. shutnlar

    shutnlar TS Member

    Nov 15, 2006
    You forgot about the full size TV camera at the front of the tube! Funnier than (pardon my pun) SHIT!

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