Here is a good one. The rabbi called in sick for the Yom Kipper high holiday service. Told the staff he could not officiate in the service because of his illness. He sneaks out of the house and plays golf because the weather was really nice and gets a hole in one. Who can he tell????? motordoc

Hey... for all the "gentiles" if you want to catch up on your yiddish, all one has to do is watch some "Mel Brooks" movies... in particular, my favorites are "The History of the World Part I" and "Blazing Saddles".

You'll be ready to go out and "schtup" the opposite sex!

Now if you're not an Adam Sandler fan, might I suggest "You Don't Mess with the Zohan"... not so much real yiddish, but a very funny characature (sic?!) of "jewishness"... and while a bit over the top... try to imagine what we actual have to live with!

By the way... those bagels and a "shmear" you all like... that's our secret weapon... we are subliminally converting you... sshhhhhhh.... (lol)

regards all

jay

Schlep?

...wazzat about?

Don't have a gespielkah!

JB-Jerry Beach 8503917

"I'm a Canadian Irish Catholic girl but "oy vey" is my favourite term. Use it all the time."

CJ, I do as well. Had a very good lunch with my wife and son in a Persian (Iranian) restaurant. After I had eaten my fill (too much) I just leaned back and "oy vey". My son never got the irony of a Christian using a Jewish phrase in a Muslim (I assume) restaurant. The wife and I still laugh about it.

conMoisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.

He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.

So Moisha explained: "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy

products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the

other three?"

Moisha then said, "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am

so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food."

The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate

teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What

about the fifth set?"

"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

contributed by my brother Jack;

Also, try and catch the new Coen Bros. movie, "Normal Man"...

One term not mentioned that I think is kinda cool: "schmutz" which means roughly, dirty on something. As in: "I shot 200 rounds today, time to go home and wipe off the schmutz on the Ljutic."

"Schlep" means kinda drag something around, take something somewhere: "I went to the range yesterday and had to schlep around looking for Harry 'cause he left his shell bag in my car."..

Now here is one for the prize, different language: In Japanese, "544" refers to a nature break. Can anybody answer how to say the numbers in Japanese and what it means? To me, Japanese is also beautifully "onomonopoetic" as is Yiddish so the terms sound fun to hear and say.

I was watching Unwrapped on the Food Channel this weekend and there was a segment on Lender's Bagels. It was interesting, but I nearly fell over when at the end of the segment, the host was eating ham and cheese on a bagel! I wonder if that schmuck saw the irony?

R/s,
Charlie

I have a Jewish friend who's parent badly crippled him as a baby. They had him circumcised and he couldn't walk for a year and a half.

Playboy ran a series back in the sixties, a Jewish takeoff on James Bond, called, I believe, "The Adventures of oy oy seven", character's name was Israel Bond. Funny as all get out. Also ran a couple articles called "How to be a Jewish Mother". Advice to wannabe Jewish moms like, "you can't be too full, take some more food, just hold it in your mouth, it'll feel good." Wish I hadn't sold those old issues...never looked at the pictures of Jayne, Marilyn, or the others..just read the articles.

Unfortunately, Yiddish will likely be a lost language in another generation. It almost is already. So many different groups are being assimilated, that many languages, customs, and traditions are disappearing. Right now, over 50% of Jews are marrying non-jews; and the percentage is about the same for Catholics marrying non-Catholics. There is a large percentage of racially mixed marriages, and ,of course, the result is mixed race offspring: Tiger Woods and President Obama, to name two.

Is this good? I don't know. We will lose much of the tradition that different groups bring to civilization. Will it keep people from killing each other over their differences?

Probably not.

Good points dickgtax. As one who is of mixed heritage, I sure agree with your statement: "Is this good? I don't know. We will lose much of the tradition that different groups bring to civilization. Will it keep people from killing each other over their differences?

Probably not."

However, look on the bright side: My dermatologist, who is a Chinese American married to a Japanese American pointed out: Intermarriage between groups from different geographic areas is good for orthodontists; gives 'em more business due to different body types with variant genes and more malocclusions. I know that I had braces as a kid...see...it's a conspiracy by the ADA!!!

Having a semi-dfficult day; more Yiddishisms and "Borscht Belt" humor would be appreciated...thanks,

David

Ultimate law suit--Every Jewish male has grounds for recovery based on the following: Was your meyrl board certfied? Did you give your parents permission for this surgery? Did your parents consider what tramatic effects of the surgery could do to you? who knows !!!

you could have been a porno-star instead of a Dr, succesful businessman etc. You could have married the girl of you dreams but that mutilated undersized scmeckle made you nothing but fair game for every JAP on the planet. If you have been abused by the system call , The Scmeckle Recovery Institute.

Our operators are standing by, please have checkbook ready & our Nigerian consultant will be ready to speak to you. We also take Visa & Mastercard

Call 1-800-schmuck

Phil Berkowitz

MIKE: Remember the deal we tried to do on the million 9mm for you guys over there?

Well, an Israeli company that makes tactical equipment is moving here to do manufacturing.

The Mayor spoke to my committee here two weeks ago and told us about it.

Whiz

Does circumcising a pig produce Kosher pork?

Thanks Ahab. I needed that. I often wondered: Do Mexican resturants' highly popular use of Kosher salt for margaritas make the margaritas Kosher? I think so..those resturants are smart and want to capture the biz of a wide audience.

Put on your yalmulka, here comes Hanukkah It's so much fun-akkah to celebrate Hanukkah,

Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights, Instead of one day of presents, we have eight craaazy nights.

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree, Here's a list of people who are Jewish, just like you and me:

David Lee Roth lights the menorah, So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli, Bowzer from Sha-na-na, and Arthur Fonzerrelli.

Paul Newman's half Jewish; Goldie Hawn's half too, Put them together--what a fine lookin’ Jew!

You don't need Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Rock Cause you can spin the dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock--both Jewish!

Put on your yalmulka, its time for Hanukkah, The owner of the Seattle Super Sonic-akahs celebrates Hanukkah. O.J. Simpson-- not a Jew! But guess who is...Hall of Famer—Rod Carew--(he converted!)

We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby, Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish--not too shabby!

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is, Well, he's not, but guess who is, all three stooges.

So many Jews are in show biz-- Tom Cruise isn't but I heard his agent is.

Tell your friend Veronica, its time you celebrate Hanukkah I hope I get a harmonica, on this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.

So drink your gin-and-tonic-akah, and smoke your mara-juanic-akah, If you really, really wanna-kah, Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Hanukkah……. HAPPY HANUKKA!

Myron Cohen was perhaps the funniest Jewish comedian/story teller of all time. If you get a chance to listen to his work do so. A sample of his work, if I will not get censored: Herman passes away and his wife has him cremated. She is left with a great deal of money put is feeling very guilty. She takes out Herman's ashes and spills them on the kitchen table. She is running her fingers through them and talking to Herman. "Vell Herman, you remember the Cadillac that you promised me? Vell it is parked in the garage. And the mink coat your promised, vell it is hanging in the closet. And the "blow job" I promised you? Vell, she puffs up and blows as hard as she can and the ashes scatter all over the kitchen. Fred